Malling of America

I love malls. I find them fascinating little micro-cultures and marvels of design. Therefore, it was a joy to spend the day at THE Mall of America last week. I had heard the tales and the Mall of America (MOA) was an even grander place than I had imagined.

Now, before any expedition one must fortify oneself properly. Having never been to a Denny’s before, I treated myself to the legendary “Moons over My Hammy.” It was tasteful, but LOOK at how much butter in the grits! That bowl was about 45% butter (which I scooped out swiftly.)

The hotel was staying at said MOA was only a mile away. The internet said it was just under a mile away. After walking a bit, I used my iphone GPS and discovered both my previous information sources were correct IF you combined the distances… it was 1.7 miles away. Not far, but a surprise. But then… it came into view…


The Mall of America!

It was rather disorienting. Composed of 4 levels of shops, the rings look down upon the center which is an amusement park! It’s currently a Nickelodeon theme park with roller-coasters, dead falls, and all sorts of machines to toss you and your cookies about. Having no interest in having anything tossed, I decided to just walk around the stores.

While there was no loud Nickelodeon music blaring, the delighted screams of children echo throughout every nook and cranny of the mall. It’s horrifying.

There two paintings of presidents; one of several Democratic Presidents playing pool, another of Republican Presidents playing poker. I liked them both, but I really wanted a painting with a mix of recent presidents… or one of the Founding Fathers… you know BEFORE there political parties… But, no go.. apparently the painter only does it by party affiliation.






The original Sherlock Holmes stories but with photos from the re-imagined/modernized BBC-TV series. Someone’s going to be real disappointed. There was also a novelization of the John Carter movie. A– holes. Years ago, New Line Cinema asked Peter Jackson for his scripts so they could release the novelization of the Lord of the Rings movies. He told them no, people should read the original novels.







The Bloomington Police had a store!! I bought some batons, some pepper spray and a beat-down. They were swift, brutal and polite.








The Apple Store faced the Windows Store. I went into the Apple Store and took this photo. An Apple employee tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t allow picture-taking in the store.” I blurted out, “Really?! EVERYTHING in this store has a camera in it!” and I walked out before he could ask me to delete the shot.











The Mayo Clinic had several walk-in clinics mostly devoted to preventative care. It was fascinating and smart.









Some great names for businesses here. The large movie theater is simply called, “Theatres.” There are no other cantinas so why the #1? The House of Comedy is a stand-up club. There was a traveling Princess Diana exhibit. Dresses, photos and stuff. I thought she was very beautiful.






I was fully prepared to do my American duty and spend at MOA, but all I purchased were some keychains and a very ugly souvenir MOA shirt for a friend of mine. Went back to Denny’s and noticed the Denny’s Lounge. Check out Friday Night… neat way to dodge some gender discrimination laws. Anyway, I got pretty wasted and spent all my $2 bills. Thank you, Mall of America!!


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