It is with great worry and concern that I am bombarded with the complaints and alarms of my female friends. You cannot help but see the general female populace is in an uproar both on the television and with their personal headlines via the Facebook and Twitter social media services. These feminine people are distracted from their lives and livelihoods and forced to contemplate their very womanhood and state of being.
I think everyone can agree that this seemingly sudden and vicious attack on the less-masculine sex is both a deplorable state of affairs and affair of state and that person who could bring about a decided end to such a dilemma would be deserving of their own statue or, at the very least, their own BRAVO reality show.
I’m a great student of history and it is my intention to address the problems of reproductive rights, equal pay, body issues, equal rights, violence against women, sexism, and What To do When He Gives You The Silent Treatment. Being a scholar and a man I am an expert in all of those issues. Resolving the ones I specified easily solves any other issues. Indeed, by solving the Woman Problem, (by Thinking Outside About the Box) I have solved the Gordian Knot.
In the United States, there are approximately 143 million women, which is a ratio of 1.1 women to 1.0 men. If, instead of political parties we were having a cocktail party this would be a much-desired gender split.
Some of you may know of my recent trip to London and my studies there have assured me that women need to get pregnant in order to have a full and satisfied life.
I suggest that females under the age of 30 get pregnant as soon as possible. What good is a “Right” if you don’t exercise it as much as possible? Not only do I personally own several Brugger & Thomet MP9 tactical machine pistols, I also refuse to quarter troops in my home. Only when seen as an active exerciser of a specific Right can one be taken seriously as an advocate of said Right. With most of our larger, and therefore better, companies hosting a generous maternity leave (coupled with short-term disability leave which is what pregnancy is, after all) getting pregnant while employed should have nothing but productive and pleasant consequences. As for body issues, who doesn’t love a pregnant woman? The glow, the promise of new life, the pleasant plumpness. If all girls under 30 under take this proposal then it will be a great equalizer in regards to body shapes and weight. Of course, once a woman is pregnant she is sacrosanct. I can not think of a single instance where there was a verbal insult, much less physical violence(!) against a pregnant woman. Just look at a crowded city bus- the social pressure to give your seat to a young woman with child is immense… now consider this on a national level… imagine the picturesque scene when all of America metaphorically stands up so all our pregnant women can comfortably sit down and be quiet. With an entire generation of pregnant women, the issues of sexism fade away as concerns of business, legislation and empowerment are supplanted by thoughts of sitting, lactation and if “Madison” is still a popular girls name.
There will, of course, be those girls who will attempt to opt out of this generous proposal. I suggest centers where these recalcitrant ladies are wooed and seduced by many of today’s popular male celebrities. Surely these comfortable, lush surroundings can be sponsored by our more far-seeing wine and chocolate companies. These virtual nirvanas of reproduction could also serve wonderfully as re-education centers for the homosexually wayward. Those women who are physically unable to conceive a child can offer many other services to their nation at large; mid-wives, scullery, extra organs for the rich, etc.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the shame, which would no longer exist in this nation of conception.
As an additional benefit, all pregnant women would be found instantly hilarious. Even if the baby-addled thoughts were to be nonsensical, who among us wouldn’t cheerfully LOL?
What of those ladies stuck in that unfortunate age known as “over 30?” These women are wonderful examples for our younger, more fertile, more important girls. These women should be used as tradition dictates; as teachers and living bearers of knowledge. The skills and talents of sewing, cooking and even general housekeeping should not be lost in this age of iPads and telecommunication. If there’s dust under the coffee table there’s no app for that! Our more veteran women can interview the younger generation so that information and wisdom can be more effectively passed down. It gladdens my heart to see Guru Oprah Winfrey immortalizing the philosophies and sage advice of the Kardashian clan.
Also, with today’s medicine more of our women can be made pregnant as they age. In this age of miracle births our scientists are limited only by their imaginations!
So, to solve the myriad of conundrums facing our female friends the answer is simple; get pregnant. In fact, get pregnant the “Chicago Way”- early and often.
I profess, with all sincerity, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this program other than the public good of my country and the future of mankind. I pray this program is Swiftly implemented.