Mostly True Things

I just use my time machine to say thank you. The first two people I visited were the Earl of Sandwich and the Earl of Grey.

If I lived in Downton Abbey I’d be in big trouble because I’m poor and Chinese.
A woman is like a fish on a bicycle; neither will ever love me.

If I was ever on a reality show the very first thing I’d say on camera would be, “I’m here to make friends and I came here to lose.”

Most people wearing Starfleet costumes would not pass Starfleet’s rigorous physical requirements.

The kids at Hogwarts never learned to write an essay or do simple geometry.

It perplexes me that humans are still using water showers. Come on, civilization, surely we can do better than this by now!

I would like a voicechip on all my kitchen appliances that wryly quips, “It’s a living.”

The phrase, “I was discharged from the army” is particularly gross sounding.

To be more like any TV show set in the past, I constantly mention what year it is in conversation. “It’s 2013, live a little!” or “Surely not in 2013!”

When I was at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter I bought a wand. I have yet to use it.
Basically, Batman is a rich guy who beats poor people with his hands.

I get upset if people don’t follow my basic guidelines for achieving maximum efficiency at a buffet.

Holding hands with someone is such a lovely, basic human comfort. Especially, when it’s consensual.

I wouldn’t mind dying if I could see everyone’s reaction.

What this country needs is good cancer-curing cigar.

Last night I had a dream I helped someone move. I actually helped someone move in the dream. Even my dreams are tedious and boring.

For once, I’d like to start a slow clap. Not this fast clap that is disfiguring my genitals.

It’s part of the human tapestry and signals a common ancestry that every civilization has a recipe for fried chicken.
I wish I could skip the “paying dues” part of my acting career and go straight to “just playing himself in every movie” phase.

I have no idea why I get upset when people make fun of Aquaman.

I know, for sure, that one day a race evolved from cows will come to this planet and have their revenge upon us.